Letter from Human Resources Director

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  1. Mr Laughingbird

    Mr Laughingbird Staff Member

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    FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: 4th November 2004

    RE: Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
    December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
    House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
    band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't
    be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
    will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
    that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of
    gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
    The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

    Merry Christmas to you and your Family.


    FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: 5th November 2004

    RE: Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
    recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
    Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
    calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other
    employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
    Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
    enjoyment. Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family,


    FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: 6th November 2004

    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
    requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
    accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
    Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle
    this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed
    now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and
    Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE


    FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: 7th November 2004

    RE: Holiday Part

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
    Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
    daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
    luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
    beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
    the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
    in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
    members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
    pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed
    to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will
    have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay
    men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross
    dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food
    will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
    the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
    first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
    cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

    FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All F****** Employees

    DATE: 8 November 2004

    RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

    Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this
    party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
    at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it,
    you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know
    tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
    scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten
    holiday, drink drive and die.

    The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

    DATE: 9th November 2004

    RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery,
    and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
    Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
    everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

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